Painstaking effort has gone into writing this memoir authentically. Information from extensive journals, a daily planner, photographs, a tape recording, and video recordings (some of which are online at the publisher’s website) recreated the events and emotions described herein. Written journal entries include original errors to enhance the reader’s sense of the author’s state of mind. Similarly, transcripts of videos and tapes were not edited to correct speech. The author relied on memory sparingly and, where relied upon, made every effort to be thoroughly honest. Name changes to protect identity are the only fictitious information.
PROLOGUE
Tape-recorded January 1991: Last night we slept together in the waterbed. Last night it was a little different. We did lay very closely—constantly something was touching. Petey upside down and me. I didn’t really get much rest. I could see his silhouette on the other side of the bed at night with the look of, with the look of, ahhhh...repressed anxiety—as was mine. Intensely repressed anxiety. But we repressed it. Or neither one of us pounced on the other with some sexual acts. The difference is that we love each other. I love him and I’ve told him that. HE loves me and he’s told me that too. That was the main feeling LOVE. That was more powerful than sex, the drive for sex. The part of our bodies that touched. You could sense every single bone, every single muscle. It felt free, alive, very comfortable, very comfortable, very cozy. It was a positive thing. A good thing.
I talked to him today. I saw him and we worked out together today. The whole time I was fighting a hard-on. So was he you could tell—the kind of way he reaches his balls and adjusts them. I had a hard-on when I talked to him on the phone. I masturbated three times—once this morning in the shower and twice this evening. There’s no sense in denying it. There’s absolutely no sense in denying it. I mean I’ve already written it. I’m a bisexual. I definitely have homosexual tendencies. I’m in love with Petey. Petey is in love with me. Even though we slept together we didn’t do anything. We’re both just reposed, cautious, wary...and this is new. Definitely a very new feeling or at least we’re acknowledging the feeling...I can have a relationship with Petey and the friendship will last forever and the girls will come later. There’s always a girl.
...Here we are in the midst of a relationship beyond friendship. But I can deal with it and I think Petey can too. We’re both cool. Just be ourselves man. Just totally be ourselves. I can’t let any of his family know. And we didn’t really have sex. Not that we didn’t want to. We did want to. I heard him mumble. Are we going to do it? I don’t feel like it tonight. Then we separated. Then started touching. That’s the fear. The fear. I’m really happy because I really love him and I’ve never had a real relationship, a sexual relationship with anybody I’ve loved. I’ve had sex with girls but never really loved them. The Dracula movie is on. Dracula is getting blown up from the sun. I’m going to shut the tape off.
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